Weight loss is a Journey. Fitness is a lifestyle.
I am the one who gets to decide to show up every day.
Hiya! It's been a while. I won't burden you with excuses but rather leave you with the words of my nephew JJ "you do too much, aunt Mari."
If you have known me anytime from 8 to now, you know I have struggled with being overweight for over 20 years.
In 2015 I had a profound experience on a 3-mile hike:
It was the summer of 2015. It was a fantastic July day in the Italian Alps, I had been in class all day, and it was beautiful to be out in the crisp, clean Italian air. There is nothing like the feeling altitude of Valle d'Aosta, Italy! My friends and I decided to go for a 5-kilometer hike to these waterfalls! Who does not want to see waterfalls and spend time in the same mountains where Saint John Paul II took young people so that they could encounter the beauty of God's creation! COUNT ME in! Except I was significantly overweight, and I had never walked more than 1 mile at a time in my life (I'm sure this is an exaggeration, but at the time, this was how it felt). Ever the less I went, and my dear friends were ever so patient with me. After a short while, I could not walk anymore. My chest hurt, my knees were killing me, and I was embarrassed. So, I stayed behind, and I vowed to myself that I would do cool shit! Like climb mountains, ride bikes, hell maybe even skydive!
I did not know where to start, so it worked like many people who don't know how to 'be fit,' I started 'running' really; I just started walking and getting lost in KCK. I had more energy. I cut down on my caloric intake (I wish I would have had a coach at this time, alas hindsight is 20-20)
I got a gym membership at the YMCA, then Title Boxing; I hired my trainer and nutritionist. I SLOWLY started to see results. However, they were not the results I wanted to see or what motivated me.
Let me be clear. I am beautiful! I was beautiful when I was an afro head Pre-teen; I was beautiful when I was a 200 plus bound 15 year old. I was beautiful when I was in back pain because my breasts were 10lbs. I was beautiful in my days after recovery from my surgery, and every moment from now until my last breath, I know I will be beautiful.
However, don't just want to lose weight. I was at 'my goal weight'! Guess what, I still felt like garbage! I was in the best shape of my life, and I still wanted more. I have a loving partner who loves me inside and out, and I still wanted more.
I thought I was going to get the feeling of accomplishment after the surgery. On April 15th, 2021, I decided to have breast reduction surgery. It was something I had talked about for years. In 2019, I made the decision. I found a great surgeon in Kansas and decided it was time. I was in the best shape of my life. I was down to a weight I was happy with, and I was sure the surgery would help me get that feeling of accomplishment I was looking for.
If I'm honest, I don't even know what feelings I was looking for.
I just know I had not felt it! Not when I weight 190 lbs, not when I was in size 12, and definitely not after I had a rough recovery and infection resulting in added recovery time and undesired weight gain! I don't know what feeling I was looking for, but I knew gaining weight was definitely not it.
But I was determined to get back into the gym and my regular eating habits that had proven results! June 6th, I was back in the gym with my crazy 5 am crew.
Then, two weeks later, I was hit head-on by a drunk driver! My chest was bruised in five different places, and all I could think was, "will this cost me more recovery time?"
It did. I was so anxious I could not keep my emotions in check, I cried every day for weeks, but I was holding it together on the outside. Eating is my number 1 coping habit, so I ate. I hated myself for making that wrong choice; I ate some more the vicious cycle continued.
Together with my doctor, we decided it was time I got on low-dose anxiety medication. It worked! I stopped crying. I gained almost 40 pounds.
I could blame it all on the accident or the medication… I tried. However, I remembered I am built differently, worked really hard to get my emotions in check. I talked to my friends, therapist, and loving partner about how I was feeling and my new goals.
I'm the heaviest I have been since 2016. And I would be lying if I told you there are days that I wish I could jump out of this body. But then I remember these five things:
My body has carried me this far!
I am not normal.
I make the decisions to create the life I want to live
I am loved! Whole and entier
I am worthy and deserving of good health, happiness, and joy.
So, I will do what I need to do to get there.
Yes! That means being patient with myself.
Yes! That means taking my vitamins.
Yes! That means taking breaks when I need to.
Yes! That means eating like no one else I know.
Yes! That means staying hydrated.
But guess what! I've done it before.
Weight loss is a Journey!
Fitness is a lifestyle.
But I am in control.
Until next time! Stay hydrated. Take your vitamins and be kind!
-Marielena